Open Hands {challenging}

Confession

I am a (closet?) control freak. I analyze situations to death. I have a strong drive, desire, a need almost to know how things work and why. Often, I hesitate to start a project or make a decision until I feel like I've solved all the challenges that will come as part of the process and there have been times this has gotten me into trouble. My mom would tell you stories about times like when I waited until 4:30 pm the day before a book report was due to choose a book and head to the library to check out a copy (Fahrenheit 451 won because it was short), and I believe there was a late-night run to Wal-Mart for Visine because my poor dry eyes wouldn't stay open to finish the marathon reading session without some medical assistance; I'm pretty certain I still got an A on that assignment.

Recently, I found myself wading into a situation that included a great many variables which made the outcome and logistics nearly impossible to figure out in advance. Yet I felt compelled to jump in with both feet. Along the way, I had to come to grips with the fact (for not the first time in my life) that I am not in control; there are some (most) situations that I should not try to assert control over, but instead enjoy the ride and watch for how I can engage in the adventure. It's been one heck of a learning curve, but I've experienced a tremendous amount of personal and spiritual growth in the process.

This pairs with my deeply-ingrained hesitancy and resistance to ask for help. I've never been good at that, owed in no small part to the arrogant belief that if I want something done right, I should do it myself. Or, in the very least I have varied enough interests that I often have a desire to do (or learn to do) most things on my own. As a result, delegation has been a hard-learned skill and one area that is still a major work-in-progress in my life.

What I'm learning

This process is challenging for me as I learn to release control. The fact that there are things I can't do anything about is difficult for me, but I know that it is good for me to at least acknowledge this. And if I learned nothing else from those old G.I. Joe PSAs it's that "knowing is half the battle!"

An incredibly difficult piece of this puzzle is being able to actually apply this intellectual capital to real life and practice this art of holding situations and relationships with open hands instead of trying to hold tight with clenched fists. Pride makes this incredibly difficult, stubbornness even more so. Proverbs reminds me that pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. (well, the 1984 edition does, but the sentiment remains)

I'm learning that there's much wisdom is some aphorisms, even if they seem cliche. Let go and let God: it really is best for me to release control, cease worrying, and allow God to drive; after all, His ways are higher than our ways, as are His thoughts above our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I'm learning that sometimes even if I have a confidence of something, even if that feels blessed by the Lord, the path to fruition may not look as I expect it to. This shouldn't be so hard for me, since I've seen and experienced God's provision and preparation more times than I can count, but that ol' stinker Pride loves to trip me up.

I'm learning that patience is valuable, prayer invaluable. Rather, I'm being reminded again and again of these things. These things lead to a greater reliance on Him, and that is precisely the thing I need, because...

I'm learning more and more the truth and beauty of delighting in Him and looking there for sustenance in all ways; no person or thing can (or should) be a primary source of happiness for me. This has been true for a long time in my life, but I'm being reminded of it now more than ever. David exhorts us in the Psalms to "delight [ourselves] in the Lord and He will give [us] the desires of [our] heart." This is not to be viewed as a means to see selfish ambition fulfilled; rather, if we're seeking Him, then the desires of our heart become formed like the desires of His.

Two-way

In all of life, it's all too easy to think we have a handle on what is best, how best to accomplish it, and that obviously we're the one best suited to accomplish things. So let's talk about it - feel free to share in the comments if this has struck a chord; here are a few question prompts, if you'd like them.

• Are there areas in your life that you struggle with holding situations in "open hands" instead of clenched fists?
• What lessons have you learned, or are you learning, about how to approach these situations?
• Do you have a word of encouragement or passage of scripture that comforts you in times of worry, doubt, strife, or struggle?