Open Hands {challenging}

Confession

I am a (closet?) control freak. I analyze situations to death. I have a strong drive, desire, a need almost to know how things work and why. Often, I hesitate to start a project or make a decision until I feel like I've solved all the challenges that will come as part of the process and there have been times this has gotten me into trouble. My mom would tell you stories about times like when I waited until 4:30 pm the day before a book report was due to choose a book and head to the library to check out a copy (Fahrenheit 451 won because it was short), and I believe there was a late-night run to Wal-Mart for Visine because my poor dry eyes wouldn't stay open to finish the marathon reading session without some medical assistance; I'm pretty certain I still got an A on that assignment.

Recently, I found myself wading into a situation that included a great many variables which made the outcome and logistics nearly impossible to figure out in advance. Yet I felt compelled to jump in with both feet. Along the way, I had to come to grips with the fact (for not the first time in my life) that I am not in control; there are some (most) situations that I should not try to assert control over, but instead enjoy the ride and watch for how I can engage in the adventure. It's been one heck of a learning curve, but I've experienced a tremendous amount of personal and spiritual growth in the process.

This pairs with my deeply-ingrained hesitancy and resistance to ask for help. I've never been good at that, owed in no small part to the arrogant belief that if I want something done right, I should do it myself. Or, in the very least I have varied enough interests that I often have a desire to do (or learn to do) most things on my own. As a result, delegation has been a hard-learned skill and one area that is still a major work-in-progress in my life.

What I'm learning

This process is challenging for me as I learn to release control. The fact that there are things I can't do anything about is difficult for me, but I know that it is good for me to at least acknowledge this. And if I learned nothing else from those old G.I. Joe PSAs it's that "knowing is half the battle!"

An incredibly difficult piece of this puzzle is being able to actually apply this intellectual capital to real life and practice this art of holding situations and relationships with open hands instead of trying to hold tight with clenched fists. Pride makes this incredibly difficult, stubbornness even more so. Proverbs reminds me that pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. (well, the 1984 edition does, but the sentiment remains)

I'm learning that there's much wisdom is some aphorisms, even if they seem cliche. Let go and let God: it really is best for me to release control, cease worrying, and allow God to drive; after all, His ways are higher than our ways, as are His thoughts above our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I'm learning that sometimes even if I have a confidence of something, even if that feels blessed by the Lord, the path to fruition may not look as I expect it to. This shouldn't be so hard for me, since I've seen and experienced God's provision and preparation more times than I can count, but that ol' stinker Pride loves to trip me up.

I'm learning that patience is valuable, prayer invaluable. Rather, I'm being reminded again and again of these things. These things lead to a greater reliance on Him, and that is precisely the thing I need, because...

I'm learning more and more the truth and beauty of delighting in Him and looking there for sustenance in all ways; no person or thing can (or should) be a primary source of happiness for me. This has been true for a long time in my life, but I'm being reminded of it now more than ever. David exhorts us in the Psalms to "delight [ourselves] in the Lord and He will give [us] the desires of [our] heart." This is not to be viewed as a means to see selfish ambition fulfilled; rather, if we're seeking Him, then the desires of our heart become formed like the desires of His.

Two-way

In all of life, it's all too easy to think we have a handle on what is best, how best to accomplish it, and that obviously we're the one best suited to accomplish things. So let's talk about it - feel free to share in the comments if this has struck a chord; here are a few question prompts, if you'd like them.

• Are there areas in your life that you struggle with holding situations in "open hands" instead of clenched fists?
• What lessons have you learned, or are you learning, about how to approach these situations?
• Do you have a word of encouragement or passage of scripture that comforts you in times of worry, doubt, strife, or struggle?

I Am Not a Great Worship Leader

A couple Sundays ago I had the privilege, as I occasionally do, to serve as worship leader at my church. This was a regular occurence about 7 years ago as I helped a dear friend--along with a few others--to rebirth an old (literally dying) congregation, and it still happens from time to time when the cards fall just right and others are unavailable. And right now, we're in a season of transition as a worship team; the good friend that's served in that role for the last several years just got married and his wonderful new bride also held a staff position at another churh, so in order to be able to worship and serve together, he resigned to take on a new career. So, that morning I was called upon to take the helm.

And here's what you should know: I am not a great worship leader. I'm an average musician. I've been playing one or two notes at a time on the bass (primarily) for the last several years. I'm uncomfortable praying aloud in front of large groups. I don't know any sweet riffs on the guitar to fill in under myself as I pray. I'm mediocre, at best.

BUT

I know where to look for my everything. I know to whom we sing. I am filled with the Holy Spirit and am learning how to watch for what He is doing in and through and aorund me. I understand what it means to point upward. And these things enable me to be effective as a lead worshiper, despite all the quasi-negative statementst I made above.

Because I look to Him, He takes my brokenness and makes me complete and uses me as an example pointing others towards the Throne. The thing about being a worship leader is that it ought not be about the hour of corporate gathering on a Sunday morning (or Saturday evening, or whenever) as much as it is about living life to bring Him glory all week long. I try (and still frequently fall short) to spend time in the Word each day, hold my tongue, pray all the time, and serve others. It's not a process I'll perfect here on earth, rather that perfection is the telos (see what happened there?) or goal that I aim towards. He who is in me is greater than I, and able to take my meager offering and make it suitable for the King.

It also ought not be about outright skill or musicianship. Yes, excellence is honoring to God and we should strive for that, but not at the cost of distraction from offering our whole hearts. Some of my best memories of worshiping through song have been with some of the (objectively, and by their own admission) least gifted musicians simply because they were going after God with their whole heart and not being dragged down with obsession over getting every little thing just right.

And as we endeavor to find a new "lead worshiper," I pray that whomever he (or she) is, that they aso have an awarenesss of the fact that they are not a great worship leader, but that the power of the Holy Spirit in them speaks through them to bring glory to the Father.

Telos

Goals

People love making goals. I love making goals. They're good for inspiration and motivation and keeping one on target. If you've known me for any length of time spanning the start of a new year, you may have noticed that for a long time I've been a resolution-maker, often going as far as sharing them publicly for the added accountability doing so provides.

You may also have noticed (if you are, indeed, aware of my penchant for resolutions) that this year I did not share any. There were a few reasons for that, one of which being the attentions and company of an amazing lady. But this lapse in resolution-ing was a very conscious and intentional decision; a decision about which I prayed for the weeks leading up to the new year. I've decided to share the motivation behind this change.

τελοσ

The Greek word τελοσ ("telos," pronounced tel'-os) means--depending on exactly what you're looking at--an end or fulfillment, a goal. I've also heard it explained before as aim, or the target towards which we're headed.

The New Testament tells us (Romans 10:4) that Christ is the τελοσ of the law; through Him and the righteousness afforded us through His saving work on the cross, we are made right with God. I'm not a biblical (nor Greek) scholar, and much of this is based on other things I've read, heard, or my own reading of this, but I would assume this is accomplished through our striving to be more Christ-like, not by tackling goals or by doing good work.

Augustine famously preached, "love, and do what you will," which in context, indicates that if what we are doing is rooted in love and charity, what we will (or, want) is going to be good and in line with God's will; our seeking Him causes our hearts to desire the things His heart desires. That being the case, it seems to me that if I focus first on loving God, then the rest of my actions should naturally increasingly fall within the bounds of His good, pleasing, and perfect will (Romans 12:2). In this way, the pressure of lots of smaller goals is relieved and I ought to still accomplish what really matters in the first place.

Be clear: good works are critical in the life of a follower of Christ, but they are an overflow of our heart in right relationship with Christ, not a means to that end. Good works are a reaction or response to Christ's love, not a means of obtaining favor.

Goals That Aren't

As a follower of Christ, my primary goal is (or, at least ought to be) to become more like Him in the way that I act, think, speak, live. Over time, I've learned about myself that I frequently get caught up in analysis or planning minute details and lose sight of the Bigger Picture, and this is just as much a temptation when it comes to goal-setting and my pursuit of Jesus.

As a result I approached things a bit differently this year. Instead of setting a heap of small, obtainable goals I decided to simplify by focusing first and foremost on personal spiritual growth. To reduce the risk of (pardon the probably-tired cliche) missing the forest for the trees, it made sense this year to make my relationship with the Lord the only real goal.

Don't misread me; goals are not bad. For many, they help keep us focused on the end-game and offer motivation along the way. Even though I haven't made firm, published micro-goals, there are still guiding targets that I'm using to help keep me on this path; I've mentally set some standards as far as personal prayer and quiet time, worship, and service. But these aren't goals in as much a traditional sense as they are guidelines, and at this point in time I won't be sharing them; another post may expound upon these in the future.

This also applies to life goals, though that topic is likely to receive attention in an article all its own someday. In short, while it is a goal to find a wife, get married, have a family, succeed professionally, and be well-enough off to give generously, these things all come behind knowing and loving God priority-wise. This makes it easier for me to stress less over when I'll meet a mate, where I'll work for how long, and all these little things that bog many of us down with worry day-to-day.

This Blog

It may be easier to describe what this blog will be about and what its goals are by sharing what it probably won't (or isn't intended to) be. This won't be a Scholarly Work of Staggering Importance; this won't be a devotional source worthy of competing with Brother Lawrence or Oswald Chambers; this won't be earth-shattering, novel, noteworthy material worth sharing with a (much) broader audience than that which sees it on Facebook or Twitter. Do feel free to share with anyone you think may benefit, however.

It is instead very likely that this blog will become something that is an amalgam of all of the above to some degree and of varying quality and intensity. My hope is that the things I am processing, praying through, find humorous, or am intrigued by may well resonate with some of you as well. In so doing, perhaps we can spur each other on as we continue along this journey of venturing towards our τελοσ, which ought be to become more like Christ in all that we say, think, and do.

The likely scenario is that I'll "think out loud" for all to see, and gather resources, thoughts, notes, and tidbits gleaned from various conversations, sermons, articles, books, movies, and more. I'll try to be clear about what is original, and will do my utmost to offer attribution where that is appropriate or necessary. 

It has been ages since I've written much and, while I like to think of myself as a moderately gifted communicator, I'm assuming that my skills of organization, word-choice, and grammar are a bit rusty. As a result, I'm hoping that this will also serve as an opportunity to hone a craft that I enjoy (at least the iidea of) with hopes that at some point I can write the next Great American Novel. Or at least a collection of humorous, semi-autobiographical essays.

In short, this blog will be incredibly ambitious, but humble; it will deal with weighty topics, but not take itself too seriously. The only rule is that there really aren't any rules.

Two-way

This shouldn't come as a surprise, but the best relationships--all, in fact--require two-way communication. I won't promise I'll always offer unpretentious and thought-provoking questions at the end of an article, but this time, we'll do our best to get a conversation rolling. So chew on this a little and get something going in the comments!

• Have you ever found that small--but concrete--goals stand in the way of making progress toward your Bigger Picture goal?
• What is your τελοσ; what are you aiming for?
• Are there any topics you'd like to see covered here, or conversations you'd be interested in having?